We can't handle the truth...

In a move being labelled as "the dawn of a new era" for the American Armed Forces, the First Regiment of Bears and Monkeys will be formed and prepared for deployment overseas. This follows the Congress review of former President Bill Clinton's "Don't ask, don't tell" stance regarding homosexuality in the military.

The Armed Forces has become strained over recent months due to the immense dangers involved in serving the United States of America, coupled with the enormous death tolls from various ongoing conflicts.

Congress had been discussing amending the policy, which excludes confirmed and vocal homosexuals from entry into the Armed Forces. The Senator for Georgia, Saxby Chambliss, clarified the situation:

...after fully exhausting young men and women, old men and women, the blind, those in wheelchairs, prisoners, midgets, straight babies and toddlers and those certified insane, maybe it's time we let someone shoot at the homos.

After a long and extremely uncomfortable deliberation, the Senate, with an average age of 60.35, reached a mutually beneficial compromise to form the first all animal based regiment of the Armed Forces.

President George W Bush called the move "groundbreaking" as he snapped his veto pen over his knee and released this official statement:

I like those animals. They will provide an attack the likes of which Al Qaeda has never seen before. Seriously, bears have massive paws. I've seen them on TV, attacking picnics and campsites. Terrorists have training campsites. Let's see them lay down a blanket and try and eat brie now. And monkeys, well they're just smart. I seen one once that could count bananas at the same time as riding a unicycle and wearing a little hat. Funny as hell. Coco I think he was called. But more importantly, these creatures obey the laws of nature.

It has been confirmed that members of the animal infantry will be closely monitored for any signs of what would be classed as "questionable" or "effeminate" behaviour, such as excessive grooming, not defecating in the woods or becoming aroused at the sight of Boo Boo climbing a tree to escape Park Ranger Smith.

The Selfish Gene...

An argument borne out of frustration flared up last night between long-time roommates Richard Dawkins and God. Upon returning home from work, Dawkins, 67, commented that it looked as if God, eternal, had actually done nothing all day but put his/her feet up and watch Oprah. “This place is a total mess.” Dawkins confirmed abruptly, following up his opening statement with “What is it exactly that you do all day while I'm out trying to earn a living?”. In between held-back tears, God responded forcefully, rebutting with “It's okay for you to criticize, but you try keeping everything clean and tidy when you've got 6 billion kids running about the place not listening to a thing you say. I'm only one celestial being, you know!” and running from the room. Dawkins was then heard to mutter under his breath “there are only so many times you can throw the celestial being thing in my face before it becomes redundant”.

The Right to Bare Ass...

In the case of Scott Jamieson vs PRF Tech Ltd, local resident Scott Jamieson was delighted with Judge Arnold Messikh's ruling, making the defendant admit that requesting workers to travel to the premises of PRF Tech Ltd for just a couple of bucks every goddamn day was in violation of the plaintiff's human rights. The court found in favour of Mr Jamieson after an extensive courtroom battle in which every man and woman's right to get out of bed at whatever time they deem necessary, scratch themselves and meander around their home in their underpants was hanging in the balance.

Attorney Amanda Willis, acting on behalf of Mr Jamieson, said of the decision:

This is indeed a momentous day for those poor and wretched souls forced into low stress, low impact office labour, having to endure hour after hour after sitting in leather office chairs confined to well lit spacious surroundings for no more than $25 an hour.

After the press conference, Mr Jamieson stated that he was looking forward to putting the whole affair behind him, getting back to his home, stripping off and eating so many Cheesy Doritos that “he might seriously poop cheese”.

It's like rain on your wedding day...

A flight to Washington carrying Ron Paul along with six other members of Congress had to make an emergency landing at Louis Armstrong International Airport after the aircraft lost cabin pressure and had to undergo a rapid descent to achieve a safe altitude.

The members of Congress onboard were headed to Washington to vote on an aviation safety bill.

Note to Alanis Morissette - THAT is ironic.

Don't waste my time...

Published in New Science Today, July 7 2008

The published results of recent research performed by the New England School of Social Sciences has shown that over 4000 work-hours per week are unnecessarily wasted in North America alone due to the number of notices that must be read in communal areas.

The study shows that the time taken to read, deliberate over and apply each notice increases in direct correlation to the level of the banality of the information contained within the communal notice. For example, only 150 working hours per week are estimated to be used examining life saving warnings and notices, such as fire extinguishers and emergency exit paths from the building. This is compared with approximately 1300 working hours each week used perusing notices containing information on missing spoons and the none-replacement of butter and other dairy products at a satisfactory rate.

Dr James Mcinley, Head of the New England School of Social Sciences and author of the book “They want me to do what now? Are they kidding?!” proposes that this is not only a problem in North America, but is in danger of becoming a global phenomenon:

There has been a worrying trend over the past 5 years of eager but massively unproductive members of management attempting to install almost tyrannical regimes within communal areas. Using our computer model, we predict that if this continues, it will become standard practice to begin a working day with a 2 or 3 hour meeting on the topic of cutlery provisions and who used the last tea bag, with follow on discussions and memos brainstorming how to properly limit the ratio of plate, dish and cup usage to unwashed dishes. Staff within those companies will then have to take 10 or 15 minute breaks to hopefully keep the economy afloat by producing some kind of goods or services, before getting back to housekeeping duties.

The New England School of Social Sciences next research project concerns whether florescent lighting is totally unflattering to the girl in the cubical three down and one across from you and she is actually hot when you meet her up close, or is she really just a Hipp-a-Croc-a-Dog-a-Pig. The results are due to be published in March 2010.

Lest we forget...

The speed at which a person can switch their personal opinions based on their immediate goals has always fascinated me.

Unfortunately, I am no exception. Recently, I was in a car park after attending a memorabilia fair (yes, the kind of event where ex-cast members of Star Trek sign photos from 20 years ago) attempting to find my car. Believing I had the right of way at a pedestrian crosswalk, I was angered at the complete lack of respect and courtesy offered by the people who were fortunate enough to have located their vehicles and were now so anxious to get home that waiting 10 seconds to allow me to cross the street would have been a fate worse than not getting that all elusive Brent Spiner autograph. Cue me on my oh-so-high horse, waxing lyrical to my group (no, I didn't go to the Collectormania alone) about the selfishness of strangers.

However, once I was in my car my perspective changed. At the very same crosswalk where I had, not 5 minutes earlier, been verbally rampaging through the ills of modern life and citizens refusing to impinge on their precious timetables and spare 10 seconds to help a fellow human being, I find myself berating some half-wit whose only crime was to have left the show 5 minutes later than me and had chosen that moment to run some kind of Hopper-style gauntlet across the street which, obviously, is meant for motorised vehicles and not, as proven by the guy just moments away from bouncing off the bonnet of my car, for people to challenge the physical laws applying to Man vs Car.

Why can't we all just get along?

Welcome

I think it was Dylan Thomas who wrote "The rantings of a nobody should be followed closely, as he and he alone can show the true way".

No, sorry. I'm thinking of Thomas Dylan, the homeless guy down the street who screams at students for stealing his shoes and claims he was kidnapped by the Ayattolah of Iran in a van.

Anyways, this blog will be used for my basic and sometimes obscure societal commentary. Some you will like, some you will like not-so-much. But that's okay as long as you realise that I am speaking louder than you and that he who is loudest is usually right.

Thank you for stopping by.