This blog is part of series of articles, parodies and satire based on my thoughts on the trends, reactions and experiences (both individual and shared) of society. Some you may agree with, some you will probably vehemently disagree with and that's absolutely fine.

The content within this site is mostly fictional. Some of the people really exist. Some of the events really happened. But don't bank on any of it by using it in a pub quiz or to sound well-read when conversing with colleagues. Also, to anyone whose name is contained within this site, I know you didn't really do that thing I said you did. I just thought people might like me if I said you did. No need to sue me.

It is in no particular order. It's just one guy, his notebook, a coffee and a dream...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Apple: You think YOU'VE been let down by tracking software?

CUPERTINO, CAL – Apple CEO Steve Jobs has confirmed that the tracking software installed on every iPhone since June 2010, invading the privacy of many thousands, has been a complete waste of development time and money.

During an emergency press conference held on Wednesday, 20 April, Jobs said “I confirm that the current rumour circulating on the web regarding tracking software on iOS 4 is true. We have had the ability to track your every movement for the past 9 months and can also confirm that we have discovered nothing of use nor of interest. Coffee, school, work, home, coffee, school, work, home...that's all you people do. Get a life.”

What started as amazement and disbelief turned gradually into rage for many iPhone devotees, but that rage quickly dissipated into disappointment and self-loathing when those users came face-to-face with the reality of the last 9 months.

“Unbelievable. Is that all I've done?” said San Diego resident James Francis. “Man, I thought I was living this unpredictable, bohemian lifestyle. I was way off. I don't know why my parents are so frustrated with my life choices. I'm just like them.”

Apple's soon to be released iOS 4.4 update, which contains a programme to track your suppressed hopes and dreams against your physical achievements, is due for release in July 2011.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Quickly, make her love you!

Panic broke out yesterday when Daniel Jethew, 27, pulled his 1986 Lebaron alongside a ruby red Nissan Skyline wherein sat long-time acquaintance and long-held crush Lisa Grainger, 25, at traffic signals in Henderson, a suburb of Las Vegas, NV.

Believing he had only seconds to show Ms Grainger he had a sense of humour and sensitivity that is unparalleled in other men, Mr Jethew ignored all thoughts of consequence and began an ill-advised mime, starting with purposefully crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue, then moving on to performing The Robot, a dance made popular 25 years ago. After 17 minutes and improvising approximately 60% of “The Puffy Shirt”, an episode of Seinfeld memorised by Mr Jethew, the real terror began when the showman realised that the traffic signal was indeed broken and neither car was going to pull away.

Mr Jethew is now in psychiatric care awaiting evaluation.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Help me American character flaw, you're my only hope...

Throughout the 2008 Presidential campaign, one of John McCain's oft-repeated mantras is that Barack Obama claims to be bi-partisan and reach across the aisle, but has no proven history of doing so, that Barack Obama states that he will cut taxes for 95% of Americans, but if you look at his actions during his time in the Senate, he has no history of doing so. John McCain claims that this shows a major flaw in Obama's character. How can you trust someone whose track record is so far away from his promises?

However, at this late stage and with the many, many problems facing the McCain-Palin ticket, Senator McCain is now hoping that the swing states (which all appear to be leaning towards the Obama-Biden ticket) show that exact same character flaw. He is placing all his faith in the belief that, although the polls show that if the election happened tomorrow they would elect Barack Obama, that they will actually vote for John McCain.

If I were McCain, I would be downright encouraging such behaviour. Hell, he may as well start with this campaign poster:

Only when the swing states, full of their "real Americans" and "pro-America Joe-Six-Packs" show that they are people of their word and follow their hearts and minds all the way to the voting booth will the proof will be handed to John McCain that, in fact, the American people cannot be manhandled into disavowing their character.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Jon Stewart, I honour thee...

I don't like to use other people's material, but I have to give credit once again to Jon Stewart who made an amazing point on The Daily Show on 7 October 2008.

When discussing Sarah Palin's visit to ground zero, he voiced that he found it frustrating and more than a little annoying that 'Caribou Barbi" spends almost 98% of her allotted campaigning time (I'm not a statistician, so that's a pure guess) rallying against the big cities, media elites and latte drinkers who inhabit these demoralised, Soddham and Gomorrah cesspools of unreal Americans. She then visits the city, stands beside the site at ground zero and spouts unending rhetoric about the American spirit and how it brought the whole country together.

I'm sorry? On 9/11, did the US Government fly in people from small towns all over the United States to try and raise the moral fibre of the city and bring all the devil-worshipping, cocaine snorting wall-street bankers some hope and dignity.

Hells-no! Those were New Yorkers, lady. They live there the whole time. Some were even drinking a latte when the planes struck. Yes, the event had a very profound effect on the entire Nation and the entire world. Yes, in the aftermath, people from all over the country and all over the world came together at the site for rescue efforts and mutual support. But the majority of them? "Big city types".

I am, of course, paraphrasing Jon Stewart. I am nowhere near as elegant with my speech. But his point is well worth remembering when McCain-Palin continue their divisive campaign.

McCain-Palin play the ignorance card...

Hearing John McCain and Sarah Palin make their closing arguments about Barack Obama's policies, rhetoric, history and associations puts me in mind of watching Homer Simpson argue with Marge. The McCain campaign says that Obama's association with Bill Ayers requires further clarification and a straight answer as it is suspect. Palin is quoted as saying:

And -- not only those terrorist activities that Bill Ayers was involved in, but the questions need to be asked, I believe, when did Barack Obama know of these activities? We've heard so many conflicting stories, and flip-flop answers about when he knew the guy, did he realize that he knocked off his political career in the guy's living room?

Flip-flop answers? I have heard Obama say several times that he was 8 when Ayers committed his terrible crimes. I'm guessing that, as good as he is, Senator Obama didn't know about them then. He has fully explained his relationship with Ayers as being members on a board for the same charity for 4 years. When they met, Ayers was a college professor.

When the idiot-couple heading the McCain campaign then come out and say "Oh, right. Well, we heard differently. That's all I'm saying." it's because THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES SAYING ANYTHING CONTRARY TO OBAMA'S STATEMENTS. They are taking their own word for it. It's unbelievable.

The same goes for the surge in Iraq. McCain keeps repeating that Barack Obama has never admitted he was wrong on the surge in Iraq being a success. This is blatantly untrue. Obama has said to the press on at least two occasions (once to Bill O'Reilly on Fox News of all places, showing the Obama still has time to do charity work) that:

I think that the surge has succeeded in ways that nobody anticipated ... I’ve already said it’s succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

The McCain response to this involves the lesser seen but always popular "la, la, la, I'm not listening" school of politics, then going straight into telling the Republican no-information voters that "that one" has definitely never, ever stated that he agrees that the surge worked.

Apparently, McCain and Palin are no-information voters too.

Friday, September 26, 2008

You have to earn it...

Despite recent efforts by the UK Government to rectify the imbalance, a report released today has confirmed that, on average, men who dedicate their lives and time to keeping home and raising children earn 13% less respect than female counterparts performing exactly the same duties.

James Lurman, a spokesman for the support group 'Homes Of Male Operation', called the news "shocking":

HOMO has been campaigning for 'equal respect for equal work' for a decade now, but it appears that the message is not being heard clearly enough.

The report also shows that egalitarian women have dirtier houses and less healthy children than archetypal total bitches.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sorry, but are you kidding me?...

I see that Senator John McCain has formally requested of Senator Barack Obama that the first Presidential debate, to be held tomorrow, be delayed so that he may focus on reviewing America's current economic crisis.

Is he serious? The current US financial woes have been in the making for nine years. Some of the world's largest financial institutions are on the brink of bankruptcy. People are losing their homes. The world's stock markets are extremely volatile and sway from good to bad every hour and John McCain, with a self-confessed 'lack of knowledge regarding economic matters', wants to delay a debate and get this problem rectified quick-smart. How? What is he going to do? Is John McCain going to sell a couple of his smaller houses and loan the ailing Wall Street $700 billion instead of the taxpayer?

While he is at it, why doesn't he just ask Obama if they can delay a face-off until all troops withdraw out of Iraq, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzalez are a distant memory, Guantanamo Bay is a theme park and Sarah Palin actually has some experience?

Quite rightly, Barack Obama declined the request to delay the debate, saying, and I may be paraphrasing here, that in such desperate times, the American public deserve to hear exactly who does have a plan, as well as a spine.