And the winner is...

In the race for the White House, which has produced both the first African-American Presidential nominee in Barack Obama and only the second ever woman to be included on a Presidential ticket in Sarah Palin, Independent nominee Bob Barr today announced his running mate in his bid to become the first Independent Commander in Chief of the United States of America. Amayeta Tongate, a wheelchair-bound Native American from the great state of Wisconsin will be presented as the Vice Presidential hopeful in November's election. Mr Barr confirmed the appointment, stating that Miss Tongate has strong family values nurtured through her 13 year same-sex relationship with high school sweetheart Mary-Kate Jonsworth, cemented by their marriage in San Francisco in 2007. Miss Tongate is also a veteran of both the first and second Gulf Wars, bringing first-hand foreign policy experience to the role of VP. Mr Barr concluded the press conference challenging the two major parties to "beat that!".

Look to the Skys...

The English Football Association today announced a new deal worth £244 million for the live broadcast of all England Football International games, striking up a partnership with the BBC, Sky, Setanta and ESPN to provide total coverage of all games that, unfortunately, no-one will be able to watch due to expense involved in purchasing all those seperate sports packages. The total cost of purchasing all packages to enjoy the non-stop, thrill ride of England Internationals is £218 per month.

Effective from the World Cup Qualifier against Andora on September 6th 2008, all England home games that take place on a Saturday will be broadcast live on BBC1, all home games which take place on a Wednesday will be live and exclusive on Setanta 1, England away games starting with a letter in the first half of the alphabet will be shown only on Sky Sports 2, with away games taking place against nations whose name starts with a letter in the second half of the alphabet being shown on ESPN 8 "The Ocho".

Wake Up...

Local resident Shane Matthews, 30, who has a less than exemplary credit history, today begged local Starbucks Batista Janine McLoughlin to put his Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and banana nut muffin "on the slate" following the "unexplained" declination of his debit card. Mr Matthews, a regular at the Blue Ray Mall location of the popular coffee establishment, pleaded with 19 year old McLoughlin that he was "good for it" and that the staff should know him well enough by now to know that he is not the kind of guy who just runs away from owed favours. However, Mr Matthews' gas company begged to differ, confirming that he was indeed unreliable, immature and selfish and that, if it was their decision, they wouldn't even let him have a black filter coffee and a biscotti.