Don't waste my time...

Published in New Science Today, July 7 2008

The published results of recent research performed by the New England School of Social Sciences has shown that over 4000 work-hours per week are unnecessarily wasted in North America alone due to the number of notices that must be read in communal areas.

The study shows that the time taken to read, deliberate over and apply each notice increases in direct correlation to the level of the banality of the information contained within the communal notice. For example, only 150 working hours per week are estimated to be used examining life saving warnings and notices, such as fire extinguishers and emergency exit paths from the building. This is compared with approximately 1300 working hours each week used perusing notices containing information on missing spoons and the none-replacement of butter and other dairy products at a satisfactory rate.

Dr James Mcinley, Head of the New England School of Social Sciences and author of the book “They want me to do what now? Are they kidding?!” proposes that this is not only a problem in North America, but is in danger of becoming a global phenomenon:

There has been a worrying trend over the past 5 years of eager but massively unproductive members of management attempting to install almost tyrannical regimes within communal areas. Using our computer model, we predict that if this continues, it will become standard practice to begin a working day with a 2 or 3 hour meeting on the topic of cutlery provisions and who used the last tea bag, with follow on discussions and memos brainstorming how to properly limit the ratio of plate, dish and cup usage to unwashed dishes. Staff within those companies will then have to take 10 or 15 minute breaks to hopefully keep the economy afloat by producing some kind of goods or services, before getting back to housekeeping duties.

The New England School of Social Sciences next research project concerns whether florescent lighting is totally unflattering to the girl in the cubical three down and one across from you and she is actually hot when you meet her up close, or is she really just a Hipp-a-Croc-a-Dog-a-Pig. The results are due to be published in March 2010.