We can't handle the truth...

In a move being labelled as "the dawn of a new era" for the American Armed Forces, the First Regiment of Bears and Monkeys will be formed and prepared for deployment overseas. This follows the Congress review of former President Bill Clinton's "Don't ask, don't tell" stance regarding homosexuality in the military.

The Armed Forces has become strained over recent months due to the immense dangers involved in serving the United States of America, coupled with the enormous death tolls from various ongoing conflicts.

Congress had been discussing amending the policy, which excludes confirmed and vocal homosexuals from entry into the Armed Forces. The Senator for Georgia, Saxby Chambliss, clarified the situation:

...after fully exhausting young men and women, old men and women, the blind, those in wheelchairs, prisoners, midgets, straight babies and toddlers and those certified insane, maybe it's time we let someone shoot at the homos.

After a long and extremely uncomfortable deliberation, the Senate, with an average age of 60.35, reached a mutually beneficial compromise to form the first all animal based regiment of the Armed Forces.

President George W Bush called the move "groundbreaking" as he snapped his veto pen over his knee and released this official statement:

I like those animals. They will provide an attack the likes of which Al Qaeda has never seen before. Seriously, bears have massive paws. I've seen them on TV, attacking picnics and campsites. Terrorists have training campsites. Let's see them lay down a blanket and try and eat brie now. And monkeys, well they're just smart. I seen one once that could count bananas at the same time as riding a unicycle and wearing a little hat. Funny as hell. Coco I think he was called. But more importantly, these creatures obey the laws of nature.

It has been confirmed that members of the animal infantry will be closely monitored for any signs of what would be classed as "questionable" or "effeminate" behaviour, such as excessive grooming, not defecating in the woods or becoming aroused at the sight of Boo Boo climbing a tree to escape Park Ranger Smith.