Help me American character flaw, you're my only hope...

Throughout the 2008 Presidential campaign, one of John McCain's oft-repeated mantras is that Barack Obama claims to be bi-partisan and reach across the aisle, but has no proven history of doing so, that Barack Obama states that he will cut taxes for 95% of Americans, but if you look at his actions during his time in the Senate, he has no history of doing so. John McCain claims that this shows a major flaw in Obama's character. How can you trust someone whose track record is so far away from his promises?

However, at this late stage and with the many, many problems facing the McCain-Palin ticket, Senator McCain is now hoping that the swing states (which all appear to be leaning towards the Obama-Biden ticket) show that exact same character flaw. He is placing all his faith in the belief that, although the polls show that if the election happened tomorrow they would elect Barack Obama, that they will actually vote for John McCain.

If I were McCain, I would be downright encouraging such behaviour. Hell, he may as well start with this campaign poster:


Only when the swing states, full of their "real Americans" and "pro-America Joe-Six-Packs" show that they are people of their word and follow their hearts and minds all the way to the voting booth will the proof will be handed to John McCain that, in fact, the American people cannot be manhandled into disavowing their character.

Jon Stewart, I honour thee...

I don't like to use other people's material, but I have to give credit once again to Jon Stewart who made an amazing point on The Daily Show on 7 October 2008.

When discussing Sarah Palin's visit to ground zero, he voiced that he found it frustrating and more than a little annoying that 'Caribou Barbi" spends almost 98% of her allotted campaigning time (I'm not a statistician, so that's a pure guess) rallying against the big cities, media elites and latte drinkers who inhabit these demoralised, Soddham and Gomorrah cesspools of unreal Americans. She then visits the city, stands beside the site at ground zero and spouts unending rhetoric about the American spirit and how it brought the whole country together.

I'm sorry? On 9/11, did the US Government fly in people from small towns all over the United States to try and raise the moral fibre of the city and bring all the devil-worshipping, cocaine snorting wall-street bankers some hope and dignity.

Hells-no! Those were New Yorkers, lady. They live there the whole time. Some were even drinking a latte when the planes struck. Yes, the event had a very profound effect on the entire Nation and the entire world. Yes, in the aftermath, people from all over the country and all over the world came together at the site for rescue efforts and mutual support. But the majority of them? "Big city types".

I am, of course, paraphrasing Jon Stewart. I am nowhere near as elegant with my speech. But his point is well worth remembering when McCain-Palin continue their divisive campaign.

McCain-Palin play the ignorance card...

Hearing John McCain and Sarah Palin make their closing arguments about Barack Obama's policies, rhetoric, history and associations puts me in mind of watching Homer Simpson argue with Marge. The McCain campaign says that Obama's association with Bill Ayers requires further clarification and a straight answer as it is suspect. Palin is quoted as saying:

And -- not only those terrorist activities that Bill Ayers was involved in, but the questions need to be asked, I believe, when did Barack Obama know of these activities? We've heard so many conflicting stories, and flip-flop answers about when he knew the guy, did he realize that he knocked off his political career in the guy's living room?

Flip-flop answers? I have heard Obama say several times that he was 8 when Ayers committed his terrible crimes. I'm guessing that, as good as he is, Senator Obama didn't know about them then. He has fully explained his relationship with Ayers as being members on a board for the same charity for 4 years. When they met, Ayers was a college professor.

When the idiot-couple heading the McCain campaign then come out and say "Oh, right. Well, we heard differently. That's all I'm saying." it's because THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES SAYING ANYTHING CONTRARY TO OBAMA'S STATEMENTS. They are taking their own word for it. It's unbelievable.

The same goes for the surge in Iraq. McCain keeps repeating that Barack Obama has never admitted he was wrong on the surge in Iraq being a success. This is blatantly untrue. Obama has said to the press on at least two occasions (once to Bill O'Reilly on Fox News of all places, showing the Obama still has time to do charity work) that:

I think that the surge has succeeded in ways that nobody anticipated ... I’ve already said it’s succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

The McCain response to this involves the lesser seen but always popular "la, la, la, I'm not listening" school of politics, then going straight into telling the Republican no-information voters that "that one" has definitely never, ever stated that he agrees that the surge worked.

Apparently, McCain and Palin are no-information voters too.

You have to earn it...

Despite recent efforts by the UK Government to rectify the imbalance, a report released today has confirmed that, on average, men who dedicate their lives and time to keeping home and raising children earn 13% less respect than female counterparts performing exactly the same duties.

James Lurman, a spokesman for the support group 'Homes Of Male Operation', called the news "shocking":

HOMO has been campaigning for 'equal respect for equal work' for a decade now, but it appears that the message is not being heard clearly enough.

The report also shows that egalitarian women have dirtier houses and less healthy children than archetypal total bitches.

Sorry, but are you kidding me?...

I see that Senator John McCain has formally requested of Senator Barack Obama that the first Presidential debate, to be held tomorrow, be delayed so that he may focus on reviewing America's current economic crisis.

Is he serious? The current US financial woes have been in the making for nine years. Some of the world's largest financial institutions are on the brink of bankruptcy. People are losing their homes. The world's stock markets are extremely volatile and sway from good to bad every hour and John McCain, with a self-confessed 'lack of knowledge regarding economic matters', wants to delay a debate and get this problem rectified quick-smart. How? What is he going to do? Is John McCain going to sell a couple of his smaller houses and loan the ailing Wall Street $700 billion instead of the taxpayer?

While he is at it, why doesn't he just ask Obama if they can delay a face-off until all troops withdraw out of Iraq, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzalez are a distant memory, Guantanamo Bay is a theme park and Sarah Palin actually has some experience?

Quite rightly, Barack Obama declined the request to delay the debate, saying, and I may be paraphrasing here, that in such desperate times, the American public deserve to hear exactly who does have a plan, as well as a spine.

No more questions...

On September 13th 2008, police in Canton, KS, broke up a ring of local residents found convening in the back room of The Lucky Shoe, a local saloon. After a tip-off from an anonymous source, police stormed the room to find between 12 and 15 local residents reading news publications, discussing the pros and cons of gun ownership and actually debating the policies of Senator John McCain and Senator Barrack Obama in the run in to the 2008 Presidential election before they made a decision which could literally make or break the greatest and most influential nation in the world.

Local officer Dean Smirnoff reported;

We received word that some local folks was dealin' in unbiased, deliberated thought. After a 2 hour stakeout using surveillance to determine the gravity of the situation, we overheard one of those scumbags admitting to another member of the gang that he "may have a point and perhaps Sarah Palin's lack of control over her own family does show a certain hypocrisy and maybe has valid political ramifications". At that point we knew that we just had to get in there before they could get that kind of filth out on the streets. I mean, Jesus, one of them was even on that there series of tubes checkin' out the New York Times. Do you have any idea what the street value of a Michael Falcone article is?

The group are to be charged on counts of not being real, not being small-towny enough and possessing dangerous material of an informative nature which made lead to actually questioning values. The bust is worth an estimated $33 million to the Republican Party.

And the winner is...

In the race for the White House, which has produced both the first African-American Presidential nominee in Barack Obama and only the second ever woman to be included on a Presidential ticket in Sarah Palin, Independent nominee Bob Barr today announced his running mate in his bid to become the first Independent Commander in Chief of the United States of America. Amayeta Tongate, a wheelchair-bound Native American from the great state of Wisconsin will be presented as the Vice Presidential hopeful in November's election. Mr Barr confirmed the appointment, stating that Miss Tongate has strong family values nurtured through her 13 year same-sex relationship with high school sweetheart Mary-Kate Jonsworth, cemented by their marriage in San Francisco in 2007. Miss Tongate is also a veteran of both the first and second Gulf Wars, bringing first-hand foreign policy experience to the role of VP. Mr Barr concluded the press conference challenging the two major parties to "beat that!".

Look to the Skys...

The English Football Association today announced a new deal worth £244 million for the live broadcast of all England Football International games, striking up a partnership with the BBC, Sky, Setanta and ESPN to provide total coverage of all games that, unfortunately, no-one will be able to watch due to expense involved in purchasing all those seperate sports packages. The total cost of purchasing all packages to enjoy the non-stop, thrill ride of England Internationals is £218 per month.

Effective from the World Cup Qualifier against Andora on September 6th 2008, all England home games that take place on a Saturday will be broadcast live on BBC1, all home games which take place on a Wednesday will be live and exclusive on Setanta 1, England away games starting with a letter in the first half of the alphabet will be shown only on Sky Sports 2, with away games taking place against nations whose name starts with a letter in the second half of the alphabet being shown on ESPN 8 "The Ocho".

Wake Up...

Local resident Shane Matthews, 30, who has a less than exemplary credit history, today begged local Starbucks Batista Janine McLoughlin to put his Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and banana nut muffin "on the slate" following the "unexplained" declination of his debit card. Mr Matthews, a regular at the Blue Ray Mall location of the popular coffee establishment, pleaded with 19 year old McLoughlin that he was "good for it" and that the staff should know him well enough by now to know that he is not the kind of guy who just runs away from owed favours. However, Mr Matthews' gas company begged to differ, confirming that he was indeed unreliable, immature and selfish and that, if it was their decision, they wouldn't even let him have a black filter coffee and a biscotti.

We can't handle the truth...

In a move being labelled as "the dawn of a new era" for the American Armed Forces, the First Regiment of Bears and Monkeys will be formed and prepared for deployment overseas. This follows the Congress review of former President Bill Clinton's "Don't ask, don't tell" stance regarding homosexuality in the military.

The Armed Forces has become strained over recent months due to the immense dangers involved in serving the United States of America, coupled with the enormous death tolls from various ongoing conflicts.

Congress had been discussing amending the policy, which excludes confirmed and vocal homosexuals from entry into the Armed Forces. The Senator for Georgia, Saxby Chambliss, clarified the situation:

...after fully exhausting young men and women, old men and women, the blind, those in wheelchairs, prisoners, midgets, straight babies and toddlers and those certified insane, maybe it's time we let someone shoot at the homos.

After a long and extremely uncomfortable deliberation, the Senate, with an average age of 60.35, reached a mutually beneficial compromise to form the first all animal based regiment of the Armed Forces.

President George W Bush called the move "groundbreaking" as he snapped his veto pen over his knee and released this official statement:

I like those animals. They will provide an attack the likes of which Al Qaeda has never seen before. Seriously, bears have massive paws. I've seen them on TV, attacking picnics and campsites. Terrorists have training campsites. Let's see them lay down a blanket and try and eat brie now. And monkeys, well they're just smart. I seen one once that could count bananas at the same time as riding a unicycle and wearing a little hat. Funny as hell. Coco I think he was called. But more importantly, these creatures obey the laws of nature.

It has been confirmed that members of the animal infantry will be closely monitored for any signs of what would be classed as "questionable" or "effeminate" behaviour, such as excessive grooming, not defecating in the woods or becoming aroused at the sight of Boo Boo climbing a tree to escape Park Ranger Smith.

The Selfish Gene...

An argument borne out of frustration flared up last night between long-time roommates Richard Dawkins and God. Upon returning home from work, Dawkins, 67, commented that it looked as if God, eternal, had actually done nothing all day but put his/her feet up and watch Oprah. “This place is a total mess.” Dawkins confirmed abruptly, following up his opening statement with “What is it exactly that you do all day while I'm out trying to earn a living?”. In between held-back tears, God responded forcefully, rebutting with “It's okay for you to criticize, but you try keeping everything clean and tidy when you've got 6 billion kids running about the place not listening to a thing you say. I'm only one celestial being, you know!” and running from the room. Dawkins was then heard to mutter under his breath “there are only so many times you can throw the celestial being thing in my face before it becomes redundant”.

The Right to Bare Ass...

In the case of Scott Jamieson vs PRF Tech Ltd, local resident Scott Jamieson was delighted with Judge Arnold Messikh's ruling, making the defendant admit that requesting workers to travel to the premises of PRF Tech Ltd for just a couple of bucks every goddamn day was in violation of the plaintiff's human rights. The court found in favour of Mr Jamieson after an extensive courtroom battle in which every man and woman's right to get out of bed at whatever time they deem necessary, scratch themselves and meander around their home in their underpants was hanging in the balance.

Attorney Amanda Willis, acting on behalf of Mr Jamieson, said of the decision:

This is indeed a momentous day for those poor and wretched souls forced into low stress, low impact office labour, having to endure hour after hour after sitting in leather office chairs confined to well lit spacious surroundings for no more than $25 an hour.

After the press conference, Mr Jamieson stated that he was looking forward to putting the whole affair behind him, getting back to his home, stripping off and eating so many Cheesy Doritos that “he might seriously poop cheese”.

It's like rain on your wedding day...

A flight to Washington carrying Ron Paul along with six other members of Congress had to make an emergency landing at Louis Armstrong International Airport after the aircraft lost cabin pressure and had to undergo a rapid descent to achieve a safe altitude.

The members of Congress onboard were headed to Washington to vote on an aviation safety bill.

Note to Alanis Morissette - THAT is ironic.

Don't waste my time...

Published in New Science Today, July 7 2008

The published results of recent research performed by the New England School of Social Sciences has shown that over 4000 work-hours per week are unnecessarily wasted in North America alone due to the number of notices that must be read in communal areas.

The study shows that the time taken to read, deliberate over and apply each notice increases in direct correlation to the level of the banality of the information contained within the communal notice. For example, only 150 working hours per week are estimated to be used examining life saving warnings and notices, such as fire extinguishers and emergency exit paths from the building. This is compared with approximately 1300 working hours each week used perusing notices containing information on missing spoons and the none-replacement of butter and other dairy products at a satisfactory rate.

Dr James Mcinley, Head of the New England School of Social Sciences and author of the book “They want me to do what now? Are they kidding?!” proposes that this is not only a problem in North America, but is in danger of becoming a global phenomenon:

There has been a worrying trend over the past 5 years of eager but massively unproductive members of management attempting to install almost tyrannical regimes within communal areas. Using our computer model, we predict that if this continues, it will become standard practice to begin a working day with a 2 or 3 hour meeting on the topic of cutlery provisions and who used the last tea bag, with follow on discussions and memos brainstorming how to properly limit the ratio of plate, dish and cup usage to unwashed dishes. Staff within those companies will then have to take 10 or 15 minute breaks to hopefully keep the economy afloat by producing some kind of goods or services, before getting back to housekeeping duties.

The New England School of Social Sciences next research project concerns whether florescent lighting is totally unflattering to the girl in the cubical three down and one across from you and she is actually hot when you meet her up close, or is she really just a Hipp-a-Croc-a-Dog-a-Pig. The results are due to be published in March 2010.

Lest we forget...

The speed at which a person can switch their personal opinions based on their immediate goals has always fascinated me.

Unfortunately, I am no exception. Recently, I was in a car park after attending a memorabilia fair (yes, the kind of event where ex-cast members of Star Trek sign photos from 20 years ago) attempting to find my car. Believing I had the right of way at a pedestrian crosswalk, I was angered at the complete lack of respect and courtesy offered by the people who were fortunate enough to have located their vehicles and were now so anxious to get home that waiting 10 seconds to allow me to cross the street would have been a fate worse than not getting that all elusive Brent Spiner autograph. Cue me on my oh-so-high horse, waxing lyrical to my group (no, I didn't go to the Collectormania alone) about the selfishness of strangers.

However, once I was in my car my perspective changed. At the very same crosswalk where I had, not 5 minutes earlier, been verbally rampaging through the ills of modern life and citizens refusing to impinge on their precious timetables and spare 10 seconds to help a fellow human being, I find myself berating some half-wit whose only crime was to have left the show 5 minutes later than me and had chosen that moment to run some kind of Hopper-style gauntlet across the street which, obviously, is meant for motorised vehicles and not, as proven by the guy just moments away from bouncing off the bonnet of my car, for people to challenge the physical laws applying to Man vs Car.

Why can't we all just get along?

Welcome

I think it was Dylan Thomas who wrote "The rantings of a nobody should be followed closely, as he and he alone can show the true way".

No, sorry. I'm thinking of Thomas Dylan, the homeless guy down the street who screams at students for stealing his shoes and claims he was kidnapped by the Ayattolah of Iran in a van.

Anyways, this blog will be used for my basic and sometimes obscure societal commentary. Some you will like, some you will like not-so-much. But that's okay as long as you realise that I am speaking louder than you and that he who is loudest is usually right.

Thank you for stopping by.